marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
