: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize