Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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