he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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