I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
