I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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