i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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