my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
