hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I did not marry a roomba.
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