I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
