If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
