John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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