the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
