you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
