operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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