dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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