Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
