yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
