You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
