I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
