I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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