About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize