I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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