I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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