Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I faked an abortion last night.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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