She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Pants are for mortals
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
