I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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