life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
wat bout pragnant strippers??
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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