My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
