You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
