I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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