just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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