she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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