I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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