either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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