wanna go halves on a baby?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
