Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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