remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
