you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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