My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
