GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
