i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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