somebody snuck up and got me drunk
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
