and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
