Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
