I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
