well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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