I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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