my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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