Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
