Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
