I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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