I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
