living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
