My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
