The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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