you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
