Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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