Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
